Dear 2021,
I kept my expectations for this year low when the clock struck midnight this time around. My goals looked a little simpler and full of love. They needed to be. My heart has been heavy and I'm not sure how much more it can bare.
2021, this is what I need you to know.
The many plates that I already carried each day are fully stacked and there are no empty hooks in my brain for new information to hang. All the coats and backpacks and lunch bags and hearts that I care for are hanging there. And they are the things that MUST get taken care of before anything new goes on there [and let's be honest...it's going to be awhile]. So if there are new expectations, forget it. This is not the year to take that next step in my career or to try a new fitness goal. Those 5 [or 10] pounds are good exactly where they are. I will do my best to bring joy into the parts of my day that I can so that I don't lose my shit when I'm interacting with other human beings this year.
I'm trying my best to show up for my kids and it takes every little drop left in my cup some days. But they need me and they need me with a smile on my tired face and the last bit of my energy so I can laugh at their jokes and listen to them as they unravel. This is hard on them too. Little humans shouldn't hate a word so much and cover their ears, kindly asking us to stop talking about the virus. So for them, for the little humans with a piece of my heart beating inside them, I will save some for them.
Motivation could be laughed at right now. What's the point? There's nowhere to be, nowhere to go. Why not stay in my robe all day? I'm trying so damn hard to take care of me, but all I want to do is pour another glass of wine while savouring another piece of chocolate. The battle between knowing what is best and knowing what I want RIGHT now is an endless one. And at the end of the day I don't have the fight left.
I'm at my breaking point of being everything for everyone right now. The coach. The teacher. The cook. The cleaner. The thinker. The planner. The joy-bringer. I have no patience left, last year took almost all of it out of me and I'm still working on replenishing it. Please, can we just keep things simple, nothing fancy-just the basics. It's everything I'm needing right now. The complexity of the uncertainty each day is overwhelming enough, so please, let's just keep it simple. Stop expecting more of me because I have nothing more to give. Give me time and space to sort through the pieces. I need breathing space to look at the pieces of my life and sort them back into a place that makes sense for this world [and that is going to change every damn day.] Please give me some sitting-and-thinking space to ponder my own thoughts so I can help others process theirs. This year doesn't have to be heavy. Fun and Easy have every right to be a part of the table.
Sincerely,
A very exhausted and overworked woman.