Woven

I remember the first time I realized the sacred journey I was about to enter as a mother. I was a little more than half way through my pregnancy with my first child. I had slipped and fell during the winter and was at the hospital during the evening to get checked out. I remember laying quietly tucked away in a triage room on the maternity floor and listening to the cries of new mothers about to meet their children. The electric energy of new life filled that space. I knew then that this wasn’t just about having a baby. This journey I was able to take would be new life, not only for my unborn child, but also an awakening for me as a woman. This thing called parenthood is like entering a vulnerable and core shaking experience that will crack you open and make you come face-to-face with your insecurities, your shadows and your doubts. 

Parenthood is raw and unforgiving in the most unexplainable ways. There is no making this stuff up. There is a choice however in our paths along the way that could lead us to different results. I have been down dark paths as a mother, as a wife and as a person. There are moments (more than I would like to admit) that I cringe to think about. But one of the greatest gifts I have allowed myself to experience is compassion for myself. Compassion to understand that though there has been pain along the way, there is also great beauty if you allow yourself to grow from that pain. But you have to be open to it.

There are three pivoting points in my journey as a mother (so far) that have been my rock bottoms, to send me crawling in another direction. Each time I have learned more about myself and my most treasured relationships; with my husband, children and most importantly with myself. I have been blessed with two beautiful children and each of them has brought me back to myself in new and different ways. 

When my son was almost 18 months old, my husband was traveling for work and we had just moved into a new house. He was home long enough to move all our stuff from one house to the next, before kissing us goodbye and heading out for his next shift. Since I had taken an extended mat leave, most of my mom friends that I leaned on heavily through my new motherhood days, had already returned to work. All our family was in Ontario and I felt alone. So lonely and so overwhelmed with the task of putting a house back together and also keeping my very active son happy and healthy. And that’s when it hit. I started to notice it in my mood, walking through our beautiful new neighbourhood on sunny days, and feeling like I was the one dark cloud floating through the sky. I couldn’t seem to shake it. 

It was near the end of October by now and I had booked a mini session for Santa pictures for my son. I was completely drained that day and couldn’t seem to get myself off the couch. I was still lonely and had reached a bad state of depression. Laying there on the couch, the voices in my head were so dark by this time, to the point that I was wondering if my son and family would be better off without me. My son kept coming over to me on the couch and was laughing and wanted to play. His laughter was like a lure to pull me out of my funk. But even that wouldn’t do it. It broke my heart that I couldn’t show up better for him. Leaving my couch to go to the pictures seemed impossible, I absolutely dreaded it. But at the last minute I gathered enough courage to peel myself away from the comforts of my living room and we headed down to the outdoor park where Santa was patiently waiting. It was a beautiful fall day, with the last rays of sun beaming through the undressed trees.  The leaves were crunchy under our feet and the fresh air and adventure brought so much joy to my son. After the pictures were over, we walked to the park to play for a while before leaving. Something shifted in me as we were walking through the park and I watched my son play. For some reason it hadn’t clicked before then, but I suddenly realized that I had my priorities mixed up. I was putting so much pressure on myself to achieve other things that I was missing the present moments of my life. 

After that day, I slowly began to retrain my mind to come back to the present, and those sunny days came back for me. Things felt lighter. Releasing that pressure from myself to achieve, freed me from the restraints I had put on myself. My family needed me. And they needed me as my WHOLE self, not the little fragments that were left over after giving my energy to the rest of my day. Reflecting on times when I felt my best, I tried to pick out what I was doing then that might have made me feel so good and then applied those routines or activities into my life. Things like exercise, practicing daily gratitude, meditation and clean eating wove the inner threads of who I am back together, even stronger this time. Now I know what my body needs when I’m feeling off. I’m so grateful for the way my son reminds me every day that he needs me at my best in order to keep up with him.