An Honest Voice
Growing up I was always a quiet, shy girl. I can't quite pinpoint the time or reason why I became scared to hear my own voice. Speaking used to make me want to vomit. Even speaking on the phone to friends or interactions with extended family members made me squeamish. My heart would race and my palms would get sweaty. It felt like I was about to jump off a cliff. Desperately, I would search for a corner to hide in or any excuse I could use not to speak. No words could be heard coming from my mouth but my mind was scattered with so many confusing, darting thoughts:
What am I supposed to say?
How should I respond?
Will that be rude?
This is what I really want but how do I let them know that?
Communicating was so complicated for me-mostly because I grew up in a house that wasn't very good at it.
Before guests came over as a child, the mad dash to clean the entire house would commence. It was always so stressful and I never understood why the cleaning had to be done before people came over. I never thought it was that bad-so what if they saw some dirt hiding in the corners and a kitchen that was lived in? I started to develop this very unhealthy belief that family life was supposed to be neat and clean and tidy. That families got along and when they didn't, something was wrong with them. I believed that there were secrets that other families knew and had figured out that we just hadn't yet.
When my son was a baby I joined a play group and we would share in conversation each week, lead by the facilitator. One week she asked us what was one thing that surprised you about becoming a mother? As the answers started to go around the circle, responding with things like "how much love I could feel for my baby", "how much joy they would bring me" etc. I was speechless. This was not at all how I was feeling at the time. I was exhausted and confused and frustrated with this huge change in my life that I still hadn't figured out. I'm in no means trying to say that their experience of motherhood was wrong or they weren't justified to their feelings. Becoming a parent is a journey and everyone has different experiences with it. I guess I was just frustrated that once again I felt like I was missing something that others had figured out.
But I was tired of living quietly, desperately searching for the unknown secrets of the world. I wanted to change this narrative for myself and more importantly for my children. I wanted to have real, honest conversations. I wanted to figure out these "secrets" and make sure that my community of mothers and women around me always know that I am here for the honest, real and hard stuff. Bringing some light to the situations that are uncomfortable and messy makes us feel less alone. Sure, I am not be going through the exact same situation, maybe I've never experienced it before but I've gone through some hell of my own. The lessons we collectively learn through facing our own demons can always help someone else face theirs. We can lend them some courage, bravery and words of encouragement to stay true to their path. I often wonder if we shared our honest and raw lives more often, perhaps there would be less judgement and comparison. We would each understand that we all go through the highs and lows of life. Instead of casting a judgmental look in someone's direction, maybe we would meet each other with compassion and eyes of recognition-"I remember when I was at that point too in my life, and wow, was it ever hard. How can I lend a hand?" I am forever grateful to the people in my life who whole-heartedly opened their hearts to me when I was facing my demons. Those people showed me compassion and remind me that we each have stories of our own and when we share them with each other, the heavy times become a little bit lighter.
Slowly over the years [and with the help of my husband who LOVES to communicate] I have learned to find my voice in a more powerful way. Becoming a mom and having to advocate for my son definitely helped strength my voice. When my daughter came along, she changed everything for me. I knew that I didn't want her to feel the same way I felt growing up. I wanted her to speak her truth with confidence and courage. I also knew that if I wanted that for her, I was going to have to be the first one to model that. As her mother, I would be the first woman she looked to for these types of things. Every time I'm faced with a situation where I know I should say something, I always question myself-if Danica asks me for advice one day about something similar, how will I respond to her?
Bravely speaking up still scares the crap out of me, but I'm proud of myself for doing it anyways. When I hear my voice shake I remind myself that I'm making progress, I'm trying and that's what matters.
Speaking my words through writing also scares me. It's such a vulnerable thing to send your thoughts and feelings out into the world but I always hope that it will help someone else or bring light to other's thoughts and feelings. When I write, I'm not just writing my own thoughts and feelings. Inspiration is drawn from my friends and family, from my co-workers and all those I interact with. I may have been quiet as a child, but I was always practicing my observing. I like to take it all in and make sense of what I see and then creatively send it back out into the world. And that's what I will continue to practice doing.
#healthaction: have the courage to have an honest conversation with a friend or loved one this week. You know the topic...the one that you cringe when you think about, the one that makes you feel uncomfortable. A financial question or worry. Or a parenting problem that is lingering in the back of your mind. Maybe an intimacy question with your partner or relationship difficulties. A health goal that you are struggling with but feel shame to talk about. Take a breath and just start the conversation [in a safe and caring space of course-make sure you can really trust the person you are speaking to and that they have the capacity to hold that conversation with you right now in their own life]. Then watch as the quality of your relationships change and you feel just a little bit lighter.