Draw the Lines
What I would like to ask you is: where are your boundaries? Do you have set lines drawn out? Or are they a little transparent?
Setting firm boundaries in our lives can be challenging. We want to be generous and giving. We want our friends and family to know that we are there for them. We want our employers and co-workers to know we are hard working and dedicated to our jobs. But at the end of the day, if we give, give, give-what's left? And more importantly, what level of joy are we bringing to each day?
I once heard someone describe boundaries like the fence around your garden. Imagine a beautifully developed garden flowing with a bounty of produce, ready for the picking. Your heart has poured into grooming this garden and ensuring that weeds didn't overtake your wonderful harvest. Hours went into watering and caring for your plants. Without a fence to clearly define your garden, guests would be able to walk right into the garden and interrupt your work, perhaps freely asking if they could take a few produce home with them. Being the caring and generous person you are, you offer up your beautiful harvest to those who come in. But before you know it, there's hardly anything left for yourself and your family. Shoot!
Now imagine that same beautiful garden, now with a well established fence surrounding your property and all the goods you have worked hard to grow. As people approach your garden, they can't just walk right in. They may think twice about asking for some of your hard-earned treasure. It is clear that this space is yours. [*Full credit to the person that created this analogy-my apologies that I can't remember who that was! I hope my version captures a similar message]
I've started to think hard about my boundaries in my life. What fences do I need to build? And how can I do it in a respectful way that honours who I am and what I stand for? These times when our plates are WELL beyond full have forced me to consider the spaces of my life that are most sacred to me. What are my non-negotiables? What are the things I know I'm going to need to lean on when things are to be too much? What can I say NO to and let GO?
There are two places that I think boundaries can get a little murky, especially as a parent...
1. Work: As parents, we already feel like we are dropping the ball most days from sleep deprivation, rushing off early to pick up kids or drop them off somewhere and just a general lower energy level to give to our work environments. We may try to compensate for this by working too much after hours, feeling like work "needs me", forgetting that work is simply that--a JOB! it doesn't change WHO we are at our core [I have struggled with this A LOT!]
2. Children: they want something from you all the time, obviously we need to be there for them, but I don't think it's healthy to be at their beck and call all the time. Example: having distinct meal/snack times [so that it doesn't feel like you never leave the kitchen], explaining to them that they need to wait until you are done talking with the other adult before they can ask their question. Showing children how we set firm boundaries with them teaches them how to create their own firm boundaries in their own lives. It's healthy for them to learn where these lines are in order to respect not only their parents boundaries but continue to develop healthy relationships with others as they grow up.
#healthaction: choose an area in your life that you think could benefit the most from building firmer boundaries. What is one situation that you would like to change through clearly defined boundaries? Go try that out. Then repeat and notice how others start respecting your time and energy a little more and how much more energy you'll have back from not giving it all away!